Poe Dameron
- everyone on the campus knows who he is including all the professors, even the ones whose classes he’s never taken
- B average student
- universally liked by everyone, but only 3 people could confidently say they’re good friends with him
- always has a Dunkin Donuts coffee
- drummer in a band that’s just good enough to get steady gigs in college bars but not good enough to ever make it big
- drives a white van that’s slightly dented, slightly rusty, has one Phish sticker and then three from bands no one’s ever heard of
- always has the best weed; is never stingy about sharing
- dates “casually” but it’s always someone from two towns over that you’ve never seen before and will never see after
- your parents know him and can’t tell you how or why
- you never know if he’s flirting but when you try and flirt back he gets extra polite and slightly cold, and you feel like you’ve insulted a unicorn
- B average student
- universally liked by everyone, but only 3 people could confidently say they’re good friends with him
- always has a Dunkin Donuts coffee
- drummer in a band that’s just good enough to get steady gigs in college bars but not good enough to ever make it big
- drives a white van that’s slightly dented, slightly rusty, has one Phish sticker and then three from bands no one’s ever heard of
- always has the best weed; is never stingy about sharing
- dates “casually” but it’s always someone from two towns over that you’ve never seen before and will never see after
- your parents know him and can’t tell you how or why
- you never know if he’s flirting but when you try and flirt back he gets extra polite and slightly cold, and you feel like you’ve insulted a unicorn
Finn
- has a Triumph motorcycle he only takes out on nice days; you’ll never catch him without an extra helmet
- constantly surrounded by girls
- super nice but will totally call people out on their shit, and when he does, no one’s ever had the balls to talk back
- will send a good morning text, but literally only on the mornings you feel like crap, like he knows
- if he has a Dunkin Donuts cup it's always tea, not coffee
- honor roll student
- you’ll see him the night before a major exam at the same college bar you’re at, drinking as much as you do, but the next day you’ll flunk the exam and he’ll pull off another 100%
- has those super awesome parents who are involved without being overbearing
- you want his parents to adopt you
- one of the three people guys like Poe Dameron are actually friends with
- plays guitar but never talks about it except to make self-deprecating remarks
- but any local band knows if your guitarist flakes out on you, you can call Finn and he’ll not just show up to save your ass, but somehow know every song on your lineup
- is actually a unicorn
- constantly surrounded by girls
- super nice but will totally call people out on their shit, and when he does, no one’s ever had the balls to talk back
- will send a good morning text, but literally only on the mornings you feel like crap, like he knows
- if he has a Dunkin Donuts cup it's always tea, not coffee
- honor roll student
- you’ll see him the night before a major exam at the same college bar you’re at, drinking as much as you do, but the next day you’ll flunk the exam and he’ll pull off another 100%
- has those super awesome parents who are involved without being overbearing
- you want his parents to adopt you
- one of the three people guys like Poe Dameron are actually friends with
- plays guitar but never talks about it except to make self-deprecating remarks
- but any local band knows if your guitarist flakes out on you, you can call Finn and he’ll not just show up to save your ass, but somehow know every song on your lineup
- is actually a unicorn
Kylo Ren
- B average student but only because he doesn’t “apply himself”
- writes dark, bizarre poetry no one understands
- questionable hygiene - def doesn’t change his underwear as often as he should and his room always has a smell you can’t put your finger on
- there’s a constant and overpowering presence of a dreaded “ex” hanging over him, that no other girl will ever live up to
- no one’s ever met this “ex”
- will casually refer to his mother as “that bitch” in the middle of a banal conversation
- he won’t mention the fact that “that bitch” is still paying for his college and apartment
- fifteen pumps of cream and fifteen sugars coffee drinker
- holds grudges for perceived insults for years, will tell you all about his mortal enemy from the third grade and it’ll sound like it all happened yesterday
- it’ll take you six months to figure out he wants another mom instead of a girlfriend
- will likely threaten to commit suicide when you try and break up with him
- writes dark, bizarre poetry no one understands
- questionable hygiene - def doesn’t change his underwear as often as he should and his room always has a smell you can’t put your finger on
- there’s a constant and overpowering presence of a dreaded “ex” hanging over him, that no other girl will ever live up to
- no one’s ever met this “ex”
- will casually refer to his mother as “that bitch” in the middle of a banal conversation
- he won’t mention the fact that “that bitch” is still paying for his college and apartment
- fifteen pumps of cream and fifteen sugars coffee drinker
- holds grudges for perceived insults for years, will tell you all about his mortal enemy from the third grade and it’ll sound like it all happened yesterday
- it’ll take you six months to figure out he wants another mom instead of a girlfriend
- will likely threaten to commit suicide when you try and break up with him
Hux
- will wear suits to class and have an internship before most of his peers start worrying about graduate school
- knows how to knot a tie a dozen different ways
- his class evaluations have actually gotten professors suspended
- A+ grade average, and will mention his GPA at least once a day
- only wears white briefs, but has drawers filled with gray and black socks that cost approximately $30 a pair
- only drinks coffee from Starbucks
- will talk you into trying anal before you’ve even decided whether to date him at all
- obsessively washes his hands
- will judge what you wear but will always be so reasonable about it that you start questioning everything about yourself
- says he has friends but you’ve never met them
- will never say anything racist outright but you’ll know he is
- by the time you figure out you should run for your life, it’ll be way too late
- knows how to knot a tie a dozen different ways
- his class evaluations have actually gotten professors suspended
- A+ grade average, and will mention his GPA at least once a day
- only wears white briefs, but has drawers filled with gray and black socks that cost approximately $30 a pair
- only drinks coffee from Starbucks
- will talk you into trying anal before you’ve even decided whether to date him at all
- obsessively washes his hands
- will judge what you wear but will always be so reasonable about it that you start questioning everything about yourself
- says he has friends but you’ve never met them
- will never say anything racist outright but you’ll know he is
- by the time you figure out you should run for your life, it’ll be way too late
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